Okay.
Before we get into this whack-a-doo shit, I need to let you all know that I have the weirdest fucking dreams. They’re cinematic, and realistic, and completely immersive. The strangest thing is that even years later, if I read the right descriptions of them, I can actually picture exactly what happened, as if I’m flipping through a collection of individual scenes.
Sometimes, this is terrifying as fuck.
Other times, it’s hilarious.
And rarely, these dreams are so bonkers that I worry if I’ve been dosed with mescaline without realizing it.
This is one of those dreams.
[Sidebar: You all should also know that I am one of those people who wanted to see Rey and Kylo Ren make out. I’ve been reading romance novels since I was thirteen, and I can recognize the enemies-to-lovers and tortured Byronic hero tropes when I see them. So when I saw a fictional fantasy movie about attractive space wizards, yes, I wanted those space wizards to smooch.]
The whole thing started with taking a train to the theater to go see the ninth Star Wars movie. Then, right at the beginning, there was this scene with the rebels going into a big Empire ship. (They were captured? Were they just going to see a show? I don't remember) And then Kylo was in this training room with someone (a villain? Snoke again?? The details remain fuzzy) but there was another person in the Kylo mask, and he sounded exactly like Bane.
Kylo was portrayed as starting to be good, in some way. All the heroes of the Resistance were watching this spar, and it was super exciting, and Rey was totally lusting after Kylo, who was suddenly in a button-down plaid shirt(??). There was tension, and they almost kissed, and (this was the part that was really trippy) there was a line of recliners at the back of the sparring room that was actually now an average living room with plush beige carpeting, and all of the film’s viewers were physically sitting in the recliners for a more immersive experience.
Then Kylo got kicked out of the First Order because he was too nice in sparring. And there was some really cool scene with plot connections I don’t remember where spaceships flew through a Tokyo-like city, dodging between holographic billboards and pastel, fluorescent lighting.
Kylo and Rey went to Unkar Plutt's place because she'd left her fighting staff and her mementos there. And as they stood outside the scrap metal door, Kylo said, “I know what this place does to you. We don't have to go in.” But Rey was like, “Nah, dude, we gotta.” Those were her words. That’s how she spoke in this dream.
So they crossed the courtyard, and Plutt opened the door but he looked ROUGH because life had been difficult recently.
He said, “You can have your things back, but you’ll have to get through all of my traps first.” Again, those were his exact words.
Rey and Kylo went into the building to look for her old room but there were all of these, like, spring-loaded javelins. Kylo got hit by one and told Rey to keep going. She found her old room suspended on this sheet of glass on the third floor above empty space, and the moment she tried to step on it, the glass shattered and she fell through to the ground. She managed to get her staff and mementos (?? I have a vague memory of these being important scraps of fabric), and then beat up Plutt with her staff.
But Kylo's injuries were so severe, they turned him into a floating space roomba. He floated around and blinked various lights, and followed Rey around for a minute or so, but then he was fine (?), and jumped on a rocket that he rode into space, that would then explode. (This can easily be traced to having watched "April and the Extraordinary World" the evening before.)
I watched the explosion while thinking, “Okay, well, that's a weird way to pull off that redemption arc but at least he's redeemed?”
Rey was super sad about the entire situation. Then, she went back to Kylo’s apartment (??? It was a totally normal apartment, with sandy-colored walls and not a futuristic anything in sight) and he was on the couch playing video games.
Apparently, since he had paused his game before dying, it had saved his life. (Literally. SAVED. HIS LIFE. JFC, dream brain.) and they were both really happy and kissed. In the dream, I was thrilled.
Then there was this little flashback of how Kylo had gotten back into the apartment. When he fell from the sky, he’d bounced onto his patio and freaked out because none of his clothes would work anymore. (What does this mean? Did they lose their structural integrity? Did they cease to work as an ensemble? I have no idea.)
Then he was on a Persian rug and the FUCKING GENIE FROM ALADDIN was there, and told him, “Ben, you gotta say the words! Just say ‘em!” and since he was now suddenly no longer Kylo but instead Ben, he said, “Okay! I wish (and of course, I forgot what he’d wished for when I woke up) and then he briefly poofed into cartoon Aladdin and then back to plaid-shirted Kyloben, and the genie told him that he and Rey would be happy because of his wish, and then the movie ended.
I was still in the dream, though. As we walked out of the theater, my spouse said, “That was the worst fucking Star Wars movie I’ve ever seen.”
And although I was still really confused and a little disturbed, I just thought, “Hey, at least they kissed.”
Almost a year later, it strikes me how strangely prophetic some of this dream was.
Especially the ending.
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